Saturday, November 5, 2011

Eyeball Massage

Hayward Gallery
28 September - 8 January 2012

When I ventured through the Pipilotti Rist exhibit last week I was filled with this intense happiness and hope. I felt calm and expectant, life has so much to offer me, how lucky I am!
I laid down on the comfortable pillows that was actually stuffed clothes, put out for the audience as an invitation to "Be my friend" and to relax.
While looking at the sheep jumping in the meadow, I was dreaming about painting my baby room yellow. Could I dare wish for a girl this time I wondered... holding my hand gently over my belly, smiling and enjoying the films. 

Pipilotti Rist was not given this enticing name, she was born Elisabeth Charlotte Rist in June 1962, in Switzerland. Pipilotti was her nickname inspired by Pippi (Astrid Lindgren). Her work is often happy and pretty, mentioned as a feministic artist she deals a great deal with sexuality and gender. 
In one video she talks about how she grew up close to the highway and learning about goodness... then she skips to talk about how we would react if a relationship broke up? How would we answer that and to whom?
And that takes me to where I am today, can I talk about what I am going through and with whom? 


The day after I saw the exhibit I had some sort of "The Help" experience in my bathroom. (like the book and the movie). I said out loud "No", which my cleaning lady heard and came running in to find me crying over spilt blood, holding me and telling me that has happened to her many times as well.

So there I am standing with another loss, and the only thing to do is to open a bottle of champagne with my husband when he comes home (we do that when the world goes us a bit wrong, as well as when we celebrate... well, there is always a reason). Then the next step is to go out drinking with another friend who has had five miscarriages before (but happy now with 3 girls) it makes it "easy" to have some gallows humor about the whole thing. Since this is my 4th time, I know the pain doesn't come at once but more likely the next day so I decide to get drunk... and save the pain for later. The next day I am barely walking but getting to the hospital for my scheduled gyno appointment (how convenient) at the Chelsea Westminster Hospital, where I was met with great kindness and support. This time they took lots of tests to see if they can stop it from happening a 5th time... 

When I walk out of there I can't handle the fact of going home empty handed, so I take the bus to Harvey Nichols and carve myself desperately through the myriad of clothes and find a mustard yellow Marc Jacobs sweater that I find could tame my cravings a little bit... (My intention was tight jeans and stilettos but I was bleeding too much to even try some on). Then I ventured to the bus where I leaned my head on the window (with my Mothers words in my head "Who does such things? Others would go home and lie in bed") until I finally reached my house and could lie down on the sofa with my two boys (they seem like a miracle) crawling all over me to give kisses, understanding that something is not quite right with Mamma.

Today I have been wearing my new mustard yellow sweater to tame my self-indulgence and sadness, lying on the sofa while my body is tearing apart, to get rid of whatever is left. Will I manage to do this to myself again and again? Or should I give up now, be happy for what I already have? I am thinking of the Women that goes through this over and over again without a baby to hold in their arms in the end, what physical and psychological pain to endure. 

A camera showing lips inside a shell

Watching these flowery films that turns into body studies, makes me think how well they describe the female body. It's beauty but also its pain.
Pipilotti experiments a lot with the use of the human body;

"She use small surveillance cameras to roam over the surface of the skin and sends surgical cameras on journeys through the intestines. Extreme close-up shots reveal the ambiguity of wrinkles and folds of flesh. Music reflects the melody of heartbeats and the sounds of fluids moving within our bodies."
Hayward Gallery

Ever is over all

After feeling sorry for myself at first I decided the only thing I can do is to write about it, focus on my guys and a future with Art as a main ingredient. My life is really good after all and the pain will eventually disappear, although when I see a pregnant woman I look at her with a slight tinge of envy.
A devil inside of me wishes that I could run around laughing right now, while I happily smash car windows down a whole block, just like Pipilotti does in the film "Ever is over all".
But, since my world is a bit more controlled I am better off getting myself a calm glass of wine, take a deep breath, look at my guys and give some thanks.

With Love


  1. Oh Kristin. I am so sorry for the loss you feel. The way you weaved the words of your loss and the exhibit make it such a raw shared human experience. I appreciate that you are handling the pain by going about being yourself- I appreciate that focusing on the boys and fortune of your life helps the healing.

    Positive vibes to you.

  2. Any loss is extremely sad, leaving a sort of bereft hole somwhere - if you understand what I am saying. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage, many years ago, but have two beautiful daughters following on from that.

    I am thinking of you as you take it all in and find the courage to be strong once again - as women sem to have to be, so often. I know that your husband will be hurting, too, but in a different way.

    I hope that you have a 'sunbeam' one day to go into the yellow room that you have painted in your mind.

    Thank you so much for trusting us and for sharing; a brave thing to do.

  3. I am so sorry about your loss. I have friends who have gone through it and it amazes me the resilience they have to do it again.

    I wish I could offer you the best piece of advise but I don't think there is. All I can say is that the best advise is the one you give to yourself but never forget who you are and what you have.

    Wish you nothing but the best and most of all health for you and your family... if you have health and faith anything is possible!

  4. oh kristin, i'm so sorry for your loss. i'm all sniffles over here. pipilotti, you, ever is over all. you are so strong and i too am thankful that you have your boys, showering you with kisses and intuitively knowing something's not right with mama. sending you lots of love, light. a big hug.

  5. dear Kristin, i am really sorry to read about your loss.
    i have experience the same thing once, between my two kids.
    please be thankful for what you have.
    men det er lov å sørge over det som skjedde...
    its a marvelous thing being a woman.
    our body tolerates a lot. and heals.
    our hearts is our own matter.
    hope you`ll find peace in your heart my friend

  6. Thank you for your wonderful comments! Which proves further how many of us is going through this pain. Dedicating this day to Women and birth, and for daring to talk about it. I have been thinking many times the last day.... should I delete this post? Is it too personal? But, I decided to stick with it and hope I will not regret!
    Love all around!!

  7. Oh my! Am very sorry to know of your loss. And I'm glad you stuck to posting this..though I have never gone through this, I have children and can say that I would never want to loose them. Women go through so much and our bodies are wonders and we need to support each other. You will fly high once more and find peace. All love to you xxx

  8. kristin, i am so sorry for your loss. your words brought tears to my eyes and i hate that you have gone through this! best wishes and i hope you receive everything you desire in the future!!

    lots of love

  9. Kristin dear friend, I send you lots of encouragement and all my love, take care a lot,


  10. I was so sorry to read this, you are the sweetest ever and my heart hurts to know that you are going through this. wish i could go have a drink with you.

  11. Wishing I could have a drink with you as well Krystal!

  12. Dear Kristin, I'm so sorry, I know exactly how u feel... I've had my fair share too...four to be exact...luckily I have three healthy children now and when people ask me why there is a fairly big gap in between them I kind of smile...they don't know how lucky I am...
    It'll take time as the pain doesn't go away o/night unfortunately and some days are better than others, you need to take as much time as you need and let the sadness run its course, most importantly you must not loose hope, you are young and you will have another healthy baby. Your gorgeous boys will look after you in the meantime, they are the living proof that if such a miracle has happened not once but twice before then it will happen again no doubt.
    Try and rest as much as you can.
    Lots of love
    Claudia xo

  13. Kristen I am so sorry for your loss! I'm glad that you decided to post this - it is brave and healing perhaps, not just for you but for others too!!!
    'Ever is over all'.... running down the street smashing windows! What a great image to finish your post! I think we all imagined you doing just that!!

  14. Darling, it broke my heart a little to read this. I can only imagine the feelings that you and your family went through. But you never know what will happen in life. In the meantime, continue being a great mom to your boys and let art and fashion fill you with joy.

    Hugs darling.

    Chic 'n Cheap Living

  15. I’m sorry for your lost my dear and I applaud you for having the strength to make this wonderful post, you write so well! Your blog is awesome by the way and I am a new follower!
    Pop Culture&Fashion Magic

  16. Thank you all for your wonderful support! I know I am such of touching on a taboo... but it makes it easier to keep going on, when you at least can write about it... for now Art will be my third child...:) Love!

  17. I am so incredibly sorry Kristin. I don't even have words right now. Just know we're all here for you.

  18. Oh my goodness, sweetie, Im so very sorry. I totally know how hard this must be and I wish I could be in London right now having a drink with you. Sending you big hugs and kisses. Stay strong. xo

  19. Kristin, this is such a touching post and your openess is amazing. I am so very sorry to read about your loss, it must be so hard and heart breaking. I guess that there's nothing you can do but wait for the pain to pass... I can't even give you any significant or clever advice... You do know that I live in London though, should you ever want to talk - or need company to buy more sweaters ;-) Take care xo

  20. I am so so sorry. You are so brave to share this! Only time helped heal my hurting when I went through this. I hope the pain subsides for you sooner rather than later! Hugs!